Daddies, Photos & Respecting Limits

Hi, I’m not sure what to do. I would appreciate both of your thoughts. I have never been a little nor really am experienced with BDSM until a friend became more than a friend and he introduced me to the term I am, lg. He is now my Daddy and this is 24/7 relationship. I have seen this question touched on before in your blog but not quite the same way. Daddy took pictures of me and I was uncomfortable. I used our safe word telling him I wanted them deleted and he did but he is now mad at me saying I don’t trust him. Pictures have always been a hard line with me. I will do anything to make my Daddy happy but pictures have always been a no with me. I have some serious trust issues due to a lot of trauma in my past and this has been very difficult for me in trust as BDSM calls for mega amounts of trust and it scares me. In the short time we have been DD/lg, I have made big steps for me but me trusting him keeps coming up in various things. I am trying and I have seen him trying to accommodate and put me at ease with my trust issues. I know I am naive and have allowed people to abuse me unknowingly and I am scared to be taken advantage of again because of my nature. I can’t stand him being upset with me. Please help me understand his perspective. I can’t stand my Daddy being upset with me. Thank you. ~ 50’s Babygirl

Thanks for writing 50’s Babygirl!

I think, given the circumstance, that you were correct to use the safe word. With what happened, you felt insecure and unsafe; and that’s specifically what a safe word is for. For any reason, if you feel you’re at your limit, your Daddy (or “Dominant” in any BDSM dynamic) should respect the use of a safe word. It’s how you communicate limits to your Dom beyond a shadow of a doubt. Was He wrong in His response, though? Let’s explore.

Limits and Boundaries

In our previous article Daddy is Demanding Pictures of Me, we discussed limits and boundaries, and why they’re important. Here’s a summary:

First and foremost, in any power exchange relationship, is the discussion of limits. Everybody has a different limit for various things; and yours, it sounds like, are that you don’t want pictures of yourself floating around on the Internet for everybody to see. That’s not an unreasonable limit, and you’re entitled to your own safety precautions in a relationship. The two of you (and only the two of you) define the limits of the relationship. If you both agreed to the limits at the beginning, then He has no business trying to sway you toward lifting your limit.

I suppose my first question is, “Did you both agree together that public posting of pictures was a hard limit?” Those types of things are general discussed up front, in a nothing-held-back conversation between the two of you. Now, I firmly believe that those limits change over time. Unless one or both of you are so advanced in a relationship like this, that you simply don’t change rules or limits much; I personally feel they’re bound to change as you discover your dynamic together more and more. No two relationships are identical, and you’ll both undoubtedly find things that you thought may be acceptable to you, but along the way discover that they are not necessarily for you.

If it was a limit, and he didn’t respect it, then we have a problem. However, if it wasn’t a limit, then I commend your Daddy for how He handled it (action-wise). He respected your wishes and recognized that it was making you uncomfortable; and took appropriate action to remedy the problem.

Great, but why is He mad?

I’ll speculate a bit, but only you know the finer details of how or what went down. This post is operating under the information given in the question quoted above.

If it wasn’t a hard limit, I can understand and relate (especially as He is a new Daddy) to how he could feel frustrated or confused. While they may seem to have it all together most of the time, Daddy’s have emotions, too; and nobody’s a rock 100% of the time. It’s possible that He thought certain things were “limits”, and since this particular thing may not have been on “the list”, that maybe it was okay to do. When He later found out how you really felt about it, He did take action to protect you and make safe; but , perhaps, felt like He’d failed you (or stupid) for doing it in the first place. What you are perceiving as “mad” could just be His emotions letting themselves out. I’ve certainly been there, and it has helped to find better emotional outlets in order to protect princess.

In your question, you mentioned that He thinks you don’t trust Him. Why? Is it that He thinks you don’t trust Him enough to not do it again? If you want to add on to this, you’re welcome to do so in the comments below.

That said, I think it’s acceptable for you to express an issue with a limit (previously said or not), yet still trust Him. It sounds like your insecurities around this issue are deeply-rooted in your past, and He of all people should (and probably does) respect that. Maybe he’s just expressing it poorly. I don’t believe using a safe word indicates lack of trust, though. In fact, halting something in a Dominant/submissive role, in any dynamic, displays restraint and respect of the utmost kind. Adding to that, you trust Him in the sense that you’ve used a safe word…fully trusting that He would honor its use.

Modifying the Limits

When you set limits, they’re agreed-upon and put in place for both to follow…only as long as both feel they apply. Then you re-visit them again with fresh eyes, and repeat.

Above were just assumptions. If he’s genuinely “mad”, though…the two of you may need to have a sit-down and talk through some of these issues in detail. The limits in a relationship like this are generally subject to change if either party feels supremely taken advantage of, or unsafe. Myself and princess have tweaked and modified our limits more times than we can count, and through those meetings where we’ve changed the limits, we’ve learned more about each other than we ever thought possible.

The general idea is this. When you set limits, they’re agreed-upon and put in place for both to follow…only as long as both feel they apply. Then you re-visit them again with fresh eyes, and repeat. We only know what we know, at the time of creating limits. As we go deeper into the relationship, we discover new things; or try new things, and find that what we thought was good may have been bad (or not for “us”). No guide or list can fully outline your dynamic completely, and trial and error is often how we figure out those limits.

I think much of the rest of our community would agree, that you should modify limits; or at least re-visit them from time to time to make sure they’re still right for you both “today”. Both people should come to the table outside of the Dom/sub dynamic, and as humans interested in bettering the relationship. Both should bring a list of issues, and both should talk through them. If nothing else, it’s a good way to see how the other feels about the past week/month (depending on how often you have these meetings).

Personally, I’m fiercely over-protective of my little girl, and it’s generally a no-no for explicit pics of either of us to go online. Sure, we take pics and video from time to time; but they’re for us alone. They aren’t for others. We’ve had this discussion between us multiple times, and we were sometimes unsure, but would then change our minds. Given that we’d changed our stance on it a few times, it was just easier make a rule to not upload anything to the Internet that we wouldn’t want our family to see. It keeps us both safe, and feeling protected.

It’s important to realize that a relationship like this is a journey, and neither of you are at their destination yet. Things will change, sometimes more than either of you would like. And being able to be open-minded and flexible (within reason) will help strengthen your bond and level of trust more than you can imagine.

Thank you for writing in, and I hope this has been helpful to you! If any of our readers have ideas or comments on what to do in a situation like this, please let us know in the comments!

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  1. I agree with what’s been said here to you, 50’s Babygirl. I haven’t been in this lifestyle very long, but I think it’s very important you sit down and talk with him. I think in this type of relationship, honesty and transparency with your Daddy is key to prevent either one of you from getting hurt. You mentioned pictures being a “hard line’ for you, did he know that? It sounds like he did do right when you asked them to be deleted, maybe he’s just upset with himself for not knowing how you felt about pictures? I think if you talk to him and explain what you have here, you’ll find the answer. Wishing the best!

      • I think he is very hard on myself. I am too but I go about it differently. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Him, I have such a hard time reading him as he always seems stoic to me. But after listening to him talk about his thoughts, he is hard on himself and I am worried I am adding stress. I try so hard not to.

        We came to a compromise that I am more OK with. While he is taking me out of my comfort zone, which I asked for, I think me being very touchy feely, I am taking him out of his.

        Is there something I could do to be sweet for him recognizing all the hard work and time he has done for me?

  2. Oh goodness. I do not think Daddy would EVER post anything online. He takes his position way too honorably than to do something like that. This was supposed to be just for his private viewing but being this is the digital age, it still made me question.

    I think you are right about what I consider mad and what is truly going on. What we figured out today is we look at things very differently, but I guess that is to be expected when you are looking from over a water glass into the water or from under the water glass into the middle. (I hope that makes sense.)

    I am also learning the terminology and I may have mis-communicated. More exactly, what I voiced as a hard-line, the way I said it, he may not have seen it that way. I have a very hard time stating exactly how I feel. While some can just lay it out, it may take me a days to fully communicate something if I fear confrontation.

    Yes, I do see him as having it together all the time but I learned today that he looks a lot more carefully and is more “human” than I realize. The more I learn about him, the more I see how wonderful he is and I am so grateful.

    • It sounds like maybe something was worked out? I’m glad you were able to talk to him 🙂 as for doing something sweet for him to show him you recognize all his hard work, do whatever your little heart desires! Make him a picture, bake a cake and write “thank you” in icing, send him off with a stuffie, write a short but sweet note…(I’m just rattling ideas…) I’m sure whatever you do, he’ll enjoy it.

    • i am so glad you both found a compromise and are working to gain more trust and strengthen your dynamic!!! Adjusting to what works for you both takes time, patience, forgiveness, respect, and a LOT of hard work. No one gets it right 100% of the time. Mistakes and hurt feelings are bound to happen. It is what each of you does to resolve that mistakes that will grow you as a couple! ❥ xoxo

  3. My first thought when the words “trust” and “mad” came up was that 50’s Daddy was mad or upset that she didn’t trust him to do the right thing with the pictures (i.e. Keep them to himself for their pleasure) and wanted them deleted for her security and assurance that they would not be shared or posted publicly. Trust is vital and I can understand where either party could get upset if they felt their partner didn’t trust them (without a reason) but I feel that is human nature to be hesitant in a situation like this, especially when you have a hard time trusting others, and your Daddy should be more understanding and reassuring instead of getting angry and being offended. I know my Daddy would make an extra effort to build my trust with him in hopes later on I would become more comfortable in a situation like this and vice versa.

    • That’s a good point. I noticed she said trust keeps coming up in various things, trust isn’t something you can flip a switch on and give to someone. But, on the other hand, you have to give some small amount of trust to see what happens with that person having it. Maybe he feels he can’t build trust if things aren’t at least tried. I’m in no way saying safe wording was wrong by any means, and he did delete them, my best advice would be to go slow, then expand on comfort zones.

    • I agree. I have MAJOR trust issues. He and I had very different lives growing up and he doesn’t seem to understand why I think the world is so scary. I need to know he understands through and through. He recently compared me to a kid that was afraid of what was under the bed. He is right, I am. So I asked him to check under the bed and his response was that he checks every night for me. He couldn’t have said anything sweeter!

  4. Things didn’t work out and I am so hurt about this. Basically because I said no to “full-on” pictures as I thought we had come to an agreement to more of artistic pictures and that I was supposed to define the artistic. We were supposed to take babysteps. That didn’t happen. I asked for things to be written down so there was a clear understanding, that didn’t happen. He said I thrived on drama and stress but the only times this came up is when I said no about the pictures except for when he said I was a pain in his ass. I have bad stuff happening in my life that I am trying to get out of safely. I asked specific ways to help not stress him and he would only say to not worry so much about everything. When we got into this relationship, pictures were not part of our relationship as it was vanilla. Soon after the Dd/lg started was when pictures got brought up, but we weren’t in an official D/s relationship. I asked for a contract spelling out limits. Pictures were not listed there as it was general about us having respect for each other and he would be my Daddy with or without “playtime.” He stated about a week ago, shortly after I wrote originally, that this was a deal breaker. I feel like I have been getting mixed messages and the more I was trying to get things clear cut, the more it was evaded.

    Did I just get used? I spoke with a Domme friend and she said he isn’t respecting me and that pictures with any man, unless married, are a huge no. Please help me understand if I did something wrong. Do I not understand DD/lg right?

    • I have two thoughts on this situation. On the original post and on the update. First from my reading and re reading Never did you say he wanted to post the pictures. If he had wanted them displayed I can see you having an issue. But initially that did not seem to be the case. Now on the update. Seeing as you are new to BDSM and D/s relationships; you might not have been aware but never should any type of BDSM play or power exchange take place if there is not 110% trust. BDSM relationships are not for developing trust. First you develop the trust then you have the fun. To many people rush to the fun and are giving BDSM a bad reputation because of terrible experiences. Also on pictures being a no no or something you do has nothing to do with BDSM or marriage. Vanilla people take risqué pictures all the time. You both need to realize that you rushed into something without knowing how it works. As an example you don’t build a house without planning and you measure every single piece of building material before nailing it down. Also your Domme friend should have known all this if she were experienced. Her response shows her lack of knowledge about BDSM and it being about every single relationship is different. Pictures are okay for some and not others. She sounds like she is trying to get you under her boot. Your best action is to say is what I want what he wants. If your D/ does not match your lifestyle and kinks then maybe you are best as friends. Some people go through many partners in BDSM before finding that perfect fit. Believe me you will know if it is perfect or not. Mainly because you will smile more than you will frown. I hope the best for both of you.