Hi, I’m not sure what to do. I would appreciate both of your thoughts. I have never been a little nor really am experienced with BDSM until a friend became more than a friend and he introduced me to the term I am, lg. He is now my Daddy and this is 24/7 relationship. I have seen this question touched on before in your blog but not quite the same way. Daddy took pictures of me and I was uncomfortable. I used our safe word telling him I wanted them deleted and he did but he is now mad at me saying I don’t trust him. Pictures have always been a hard line with me. I will do anything to make my Daddy happy but pictures have always been a no with me. I have some serious trust issues due to a lot of trauma in my past and this has been very difficult for me in trust as BDSM calls for mega amounts of trust and it scares me. In the short time we have been DD/lg, I have made big steps for me but me trusting him keeps coming up in various things. I am trying and I have seen him trying to accommodate and put me at ease with my trust issues. I know I am naive and have allowed people to abuse me unknowingly and I am scared to be taken advantage of again because of my nature. I can’t stand him being upset with me. Please help me understand his perspective. I can’t stand my Daddy being upset with me. Thank you. ~ 50’s Babygirl
Thanks for writing 50’s Babygirl!
I think, given the circumstance, that you were correct to use the safe word. With what happened, you felt insecure and unsafe; and that’s specifically what a safe word is for. For any reason, if you feel you’re at your limit, your Daddy (or “Dominant” in any BDSM dynamic) should respect the use of a safe word. It’s how you communicate limits to your Dom beyond a shadow of a doubt. Was He wrong in His response, though? Let’s explore.
Limits and Boundaries
In our previous article Daddy is Demanding Pictures of Me, we discussed limits and boundaries, and why they’re important. Here’s a summary:
First and foremost, in any power exchange relationship, is the discussion of limits. Everybody has a different limit for various things; and yours, it sounds like, are that you don’t want pictures of yourself floating around on the Internet for everybody to see. That’s not an unreasonable limit, and you’re entitled to your own safety precautions in a relationship. The two of you (and only the two of you) define the limits of the relationship. If you both agreed to the limits at the beginning, then He has no business trying to sway you toward lifting your limit.
I suppose my first question is, “Did you both agree together that public posting of pictures was a hard limit?” Those types of things are general discussed up front, in a nothing-held-back conversation between the two of you. Now, I firmly believe that those limits change over time. Unless one or both of you are so advanced in a relationship like this, that you simply don’t change rules or limits much; I personally feel they’re bound to change as you discover your dynamic together more and more. No two relationships are identical, and you’ll both undoubtedly find things that you thought may be acceptable to you, but along the way discover that they are not necessarily for you.
If it was a limit, and he didn’t respect it, then we have a problem. However, if it wasn’t a limit, then I commend your Daddy for how He handled it (action-wise). He respected your wishes and recognized that it was making you uncomfortable; and took appropriate action to remedy the problem.
Great, but why is He mad?
I’ll speculate a bit, but only you know the finer details of how or what went down. This post is operating under the information given in the question quoted above.
If it wasn’t a hard limit, I can understand and relate (especially as He is a new Daddy) to how he could feel frustrated or confused. While they may seem to have it all together most of the time, Daddy’s have emotions, too; and nobody’s a rock 100% of the time. It’s possible that He thought certain things were “limits”, and since this particular thing may not have been on “the list”, that maybe it was okay to do. When He later found out how you really felt about it, He did take action to protect you and make safe; but , perhaps, felt like He’d failed you (or stupid) for doing it in the first place. What you are perceiving as “mad” could just be His emotions letting themselves out. I’ve certainly been there, and it has helped to find better emotional outlets in order to protect princess.
In your question, you mentioned that He thinks you don’t trust Him. Why? Is it that He thinks you don’t trust Him enough to not do it again? If you want to add on to this, you’re welcome to do so in the comments below.
That said, I think it’s acceptable for you to express an issue with a limit (previously said or not), yet still trust Him. It sounds like your insecurities around this issue are deeply-rooted in your past, and He of all people should (and probably does) respect that. Maybe he’s just expressing it poorly. I don’t believe using a safe word indicates lack of trust, though. In fact, halting something in a Dominant/submissive role, in any dynamic, displays restraint and respect of the utmost kind. Adding to that, you trust Him in the sense that you’ve used a safe word…fully trusting that He would honor its use.
Modifying the Limits
Above were just assumptions. If he’s genuinely “mad”, though…the two of you may need to have a sit-down and talk through some of these issues in detail. The limits in a relationship like this are generally subject to change if either party feels supremely taken advantage of, or unsafe. Myself and princess have tweaked and modified our limits more times than we can count, and through those meetings where we’ve changed the limits, we’ve learned more about each other than we ever thought possible.
The general idea is this. When you set limits, they’re agreed-upon and put in place for both to follow…only as long as both feel they apply. Then you re-visit them again with fresh eyes, and repeat. We only know what we know, at the time of creating limits. As we go deeper into the relationship, we discover new things; or try new things, and find that what we thought was good may have been bad (or not for “us”). No guide or list can fully outline your dynamic completely, and trial and error is often how we figure out those limits.
I think much of the rest of our community would agree, that you should modify limits; or at least re-visit them from time to time to make sure they’re still right for you both “today”. Both people should come to the table outside of the Dom/sub dynamic, and as humans interested in bettering the relationship. Both should bring a list of issues, and both should talk through them. If nothing else, it’s a good way to see how the other feels about the past week/month (depending on how often you have these meetings).
Personally, I’m fiercely over-protective of my little girl, and it’s generally a no-no for explicit pics of either of us to go online. Sure, we take pics and video from time to time; but they’re for us alone. They aren’t for others. We’ve had this discussion between us multiple times, and we were sometimes unsure, but would then change our minds. Given that we’d changed our stance on it a few times, it was just easier make a rule to not upload anything to the Internet that we wouldn’t want our family to see. It keeps us both safe, and feeling protected.
It’s important to realize that a relationship like this is a journey, and neither of you are at their destination yet. Things will change, sometimes more than either of you would like. And being able to be open-minded and flexible (within reason) will help strengthen your bond and level of trust more than you can imagine.
Thank you for writing in, and I hope this has been helpful to you! If any of our readers have ideas or comments on what to do in a situation like this, please let us know in the comments!