We promised in the comments that a detailed post would follow-up on a response that princess left for one of our commenters. Hopefully this isn’t too crazy-long, and easy enough to follow. There’s a lot being talked about in this post, and I thank you for your patience while I touch on a few key things about us and why certain things that work for us, may not necessarily be the right recipe for others.
A few days ago, I wrote an article about a fight My little girl and I had. In that article, I mentioned a little bit about us, and how we met. We were just your average vanilla couple in love. We didn’t know anything about alternative lifestyles, BDSM, D/s, or DD/lg. Those came later, but there was an evolution to how we got to where we are, currently. At the time, we were both non-denominational Christian people, attended church occasionally, and generally believed in and acknowledged God’s existence. Which is how the following books probably entered our lives.
Love & Respect
About 9 months into our relationship we stumbled upon a book called Love & Respect. We were having arguments like most other couples, and they were increasing in frequency. More importantly, there was a power struggle going on, and neither of us knew what it was or how to fix it. So we started reading the book together on our drives that we had to make every Sunday. We spent a lot of time in the car together often, so we figured it couldn’t hurt.
While everyone reading this may have a different view or take-away from reading the Love & Respect book, ours was more of the core message it taught that we chose to cling to, rather than any type of religious propaganda message or labels that other readers may have associated with this book. The book’s core message is that men need respect, and women need love. The general concept that we’ve chosen to borrow from this book into our lives is that I, as a person, truly desire respect. And that she, as a person, truly craves love. We are hard-wired for this as humans, for the most part.
It’s our own personal recipe. I’m not a scientist. I haven’t held focus groups to determine if this “actually” relates to the masses, but the number of people that have purchased and read this best-selling book can’t be wrong. And I do know that this particular concept helped us get to where we are today, and provided a platform for us to explore what we both wanted out of our relationship.
People of any number of different circles could argue a different stance in how the book is wrong, whether or not it’s sexist, etc. But really, I suppose we could say the same of any of the other self-help books out there. Advice, in general, is subjective. Personally, I think any book like this is all about how you relate to the subject matter in a personal way. It’s not going to resonate with 100% of the population, and you need to decide if it’s right for you. But, not just you…both people in the relationship, in this case.
Putting the pieces together
Once we read the book, and started putting the core principles into practice, we noticed things just “fit”. Everything happened smoothly. There was much less friction between us. My submissive and little, princess, has had a difficult past. As such, she was extremely timid and found it difficult to lead or make decisions, and suffered from PTSD and severe social anxiety. Desperately, she needed someone to simply love her, and take the lead in her life to make sense of everything.
Separately, I suffered from lack of respect and attention in My life before meeting princess. I am successful, achieve in almost anything I set out to do, and still, something was missing. I quite literally needed respect, more than love. To Me, receiving respect equated to someone loving Me in our relationship.
Another world-renowned Christian author, Gary Chapman, created The 5 Love Languages. In it, it talks about how two people would tend to show or share love in their own love language, rather than do so in the other person’s love language. What we found was that I have been loving her in all the ways I feel love, and she was loving Me in all the ways she feels love, but really, we needed the reversal. We took the quiz, and learned what our own respective love “languages” were, and began trying to show affection to the other in their own language. This was absolutely key for us, and was a first step toward what would eventually evolve into a different way for serving and caring for one another.
Discovering the alternative(s)
Once we got this down, we discovered the Dom/sub style of relationship. I forget how it came up, but we stumbled upon it accidentally, and certainly weren’t looking for it. In fact, it just kind of came up as a discussion one day. We started to research what it was, and ended up researching subtopics of the D/s and BDSM lifestyles:
- Head of House
As we discovered more about D/s, researching its principles and understanding how we’ve both felt like we belonged in these roles our entire lives (no joke, it was like unlocking a well-kept secret about our lives that we didn’t know existed), we then put that into practice. We explored BDSM and D/s in our daily lives. My girl was submitting to Me, and only Me. I found that her day revolved around Me, and I love it. I craved it. I needed it. It fueled everything that I did, and I would do anything to ensure it continued.
At the same time, she felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted. The daily decisions (the tough ones), she didn’t have to worry about anymore. I would take care of those fears that she had. The only thing she needed (and genuinely wanted) to do was serve, and know that she had a place at the table (or, sometimes under it). It fulfilled her, and gave her purpose. And she desired to only be needed and appreciated.
In the end, isn’t that what we all want, anyways? To be either loved or respected? To feel needed or wanted? To know that we’re appreciated and that we’re not taken for granted? For us, this solved several, if not all, of those issues in our relationship. We didn’t need a couple’s counselor to tell us this, and we were lucky to have fallen into it in the way that we did. It was exciting to learn about ourselves, and how we can better-serve each other.
I became her ultimate protector. Literally, her knight in shining armor, and would slay dragons for her. I wanted to give her the world, but keep her safe from it. After a while doing this, we later discovered DD/lg (Daddy Dom & little girl). Actually, it was my little princess that found out about it. We had already been functioning and behaving in those respective roles, more or less. We just didn’t know the label “DD/lg”. So we researched some more, and continued to learn.
Everything about how we got here was coincidental and accidental. We didn’t plan it. We didn’t even know what it was…only that each of us were already wired like this. We knew we had kinks and fantasies, but were taught from a young age that certain things were “bad”, or that it wasn’t appropriate. Taught that we shouldn’t hit a girl (ever). But this lifestyle opened up a different level of options that neither of us had considered or knew was okay.
At the end of the day, I have the final say in everything. We have a TPE (total power exchange) relationship. Well, more like TPE in training, because nobody is perfect. My princess would never do anything to be purposely defiant, but she messes up often. So in the sense of D/s and DD/lg, there are corrections and teaching/training to take place. Every day we are both learning more about ourselves, and how we can both adapt to serve the other better, or make the relationship better. But one thing is certain, I have 100% control over all aspects of our relationship.
We have experimented with a type of “safe zone”, where we have a meeting night, one day a week, at 8PM and we both come to the table to share concerns about our D/s or DD/lg power exchange. We would each keep a journal of ideas and things from our week together, and would save troublesome topics until the next meeting, so that there would not be repercussions from talking out of turn. It was an opportunity for each of us to bring something up, without fear of being scolded or punished for doing so. Or, more importantly, a way for her to bring these things up in a way that doesn’t guarantee punishment; and also a way for Me to hear her side when I might otherwise not hear it.
In this meeting, we’re coming to the table as equals, externally of the power exchange. At this table, she’s not My submissive, and I’m not her Dominant. Well…we are, but we sort of set it all aside for a little bit to gain insight from the other person to hear and respond with information that otherwise wouldn’t be received in our typical roles.
We have learned a lot during these meetings. I’ll admit we haven’t done one in a while, but they were helpful when we scheduled the time for them to happen.
Wrapping it all up
Whew! I know that was a lot of information. We probably seem like we have it either all figured out, or are a completely messed up couple with tons of issues (not saying we aren’t). But this mixture of “how we got here” made sense for us. History, by definition, is the study of a series of events leading up to the present. Even if you don’t agree with some of the way points in our journey of how we arrived where we are, they’re still valid on some level. Maybe not the entire book or principle, but some key pieces of information about humans work and interact…that’s the stuff that stuck with us. In fact, much of what I’ve written about above is still apparent in both our lives today. Because, for us, it works.
Thank you so much for reading. This took a while to reflect on and write out, and I know it’s probably one of our longer posts. If you have anything to share, we’d love to hear it! We appreciate the time you take to craft a comment, and always respond to feedback or questions.