I am fairly new at being a little, I’ve been with my daddy for about 2 years, but only been part of this lifestyle for about 3 months. When daddy and I play (and sometimes during punishments) daddy leaves little marks like handprints or bruises, and I like that. But, recently I was out with some friends who saw some on my wrist and thigh, and they mistook it for daddy being abusive. (They don’t know about me being a sub). I want to tell them, I don’t want them doing anything to get daddy in trouble but I’m afraid that they will not accept me anymore, and I have a really hard time making friends, so they’re all I’ve got. But I also love daddy bunches, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m ashamed because I don’t tell them. What do I do? ~ Bumblebee
What an interesting question! I asked princess if she minded Me answering this question, because I feel like I have a bit to say on this topic. She may chime in down below in the comments, though. Let’s dig in!
Is it abuse?
Regardless of what anyone “thinks”, your situation with your Daddy Dom is not abusive; it’s consensual, plain and simple. There is no arguing this. People may try to convince you (because they’re ignorant, or they don’t understand) that this is “wrong” or “abusive”; but it isn’t. It’s your choice. It’s your body. It’s your (probably emotional) outlet, and it works for you. It doesn’t have to work for them. They’re not a part of this.
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) has this to say about BDSM vs. Abuse:
“intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given.”
“Physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.”
If your Daddy Dom is (ever) doing these things without your consent, then it is abuse. But, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. I would imagine you both sat down for a nice, long talk together at the start of your newly-redefined relationship, and discussed the things you’re both into, what each of your hard and soft limits are, etc. The two of you have “consented”, and that’s that. So long as everyone upholds the rules that were defined as the boundaries of the DD/lg relationship. In fact, there’s symbolism in the submissive/little being the one to hand the punishment device to the Dominant/Daddy. In some ways, it’s the ultimate consent.
If paired up correctly, both people in a DD/lg relationship should be perfectly matched. The Daddy Dom’s most-cherished treasure is His little. He would go to the ends of the earth to truly protect His little girl. There is no obstacle that He would not overcome for her, and He will move mountains for her. He is her ultimate protector (and stalker). The wolf protects His own; to His last breath. There is an inherent need to do so, or He is not a whole person. It is this deeply-rooted need for the Daddy Dom that allows the little to feel safe in a relationship like this in the first place.
Minimizing raised eyebrows
While neither of you are likely to succumb to others’ judgements/ridicule and to stop doing what you’re doing, there are some things you can do to lessen others’ involvement (or even knowledge) of what’s going on. I would imagine there isn’t much closed-fisted play or punishments. That’s probably a good idea. Open-handed spanks/slaps are not going to leave a permanent mark, and they’re less likely to bruise.
The same could be said for any implements or tools that your Daddy uses to get the job done, if not using His hands. A paddle should leave less marks than a cane would. A crop works as well, depending on the piece at the end of the rod. And if you must use those harsher tools, how about using them on areas of your body that are hidden from view?
What other people think
True friends will stay with you no matter what. Even if they know about (but don’t understand) your lifestyle. Few alternative relationships (especially DD/lg relationships) will have you surrounded by friends where 100% of them know and approve of your lifestyle or relationship choice. Myself and princess, we’ve hinted at things to a friend or two, but we’re not out in the open (yet). We’ve talked about coming out publicly at some point if necessary for some of our life goals together; but that’s probably a ways off.
Am I advising you to go tell all your friends about your kinky side? No. Not unless you want to. And really, you need to be ready for that. Not just you; but your Daddy Dom, too. It would be unfair of either of you to “out” the other. I feel that needs to be consensual, and timed according to the comforts and goals that the two of you have set forth for the relationship. Perhaps confidentiality is something that needs to be discussed at the onset of a DD/lg, Dom/sub, Master/slave, or other BDSM relationship; as a general rule.
I will say, though, that there are other friends out there. Friends that will understand you, and more importantly, what you’re going through. They may be different friends for you, and your Daddy has others. Some friends may be those that you are both comfortable with. They may not even be in-person friends; they may be online friends. Or distant, but close enough that you both can drive to meet up somewhere within your region every so often. FetLife is a good place to start. Craigslist is an option, too; but I haven’t done too much with Craigslist, personally.
Without getting too far down a crazy rabbit hole with this (and everyone’s opinion differs), I personally feel the emotional state of a person plays into a relationship like this. Not so much the emotions that you feel while in a DD/lg relationship, but more the emotional state that led a person to a relationship like this. Many people within this lifestyle have had emotional and/or physical traumas in their past that have shaped who they are today. There is no way that each and every one of your friends are going to understand how those past traumas happened, what emotional state they’ve left you in as a result, nor how you choose to cope with them today. Some people cope with drugs. Others alcohol. Personally, ours is one where princess feels safe, and I get to care for her. I have My reasons for why I was drawn to DD/lg or even Dom/sub, and they’re Mine alone, with no room for anyone else to judge. I know princess has her reasons for a deep need to feel safe, protected and taken care of, as well.
The bottom line; your choices are just that…yours. They are not for someone else to make. Possibly influence, but that’s situational and largely based on trust between you and that person(s). Trust yourself. Only you know deep down what you need (until you’ve chosen to share that information with someone else).
Shame from your Daddy
I am doubtful that your Daddy Dom would be ashamed of you for not coming out to your friends. As mentioned above, that’s a decision you both need to make. And if the relationship (which is designed to serve both the Daddy’s and little’s needs) doesn’t allow for both parties in the relationship to make that decision together, then don’t do it. Both need to agree. If one of you doesn’t; don’t do it. It could be that one the people in a DD/lg relationship has had years and years of experience, but the other person is new to it. The experienced person may not care if people know; however, the newcomer to the DD/lg relationship may certainly care if others know. They are only beginning to understand the depth and significance of what being in a relationship like this means, and their comfort level at that point may not lend itself to public disclosure of their new lifestyle.
I know there’s a lot of information here, but hopefully it helps clarify the situation for you. If anyone else has had an experience like this where friends or family start to question the lifestyle or relationship, please let us know in the comments. The more people share their experiences, the better a resource this is for people just starting out!