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Guest Post: Reflections on Punishment in a DD/bg Relationship

ddlg punishment

Guest Author: mostlyangelsDD {with mostlyangel} @ FetLife

I first got involved in BDSM nearly 25 years ago. Through three long-term relationships in the lifestyle, my preferences have evolved to become monogamous long-term Domination and submission (DS), with a healthy dose of bondage and discipline (BD). I have a good grounding in aspects of sadism/masochism (SM), having long ago owned a pain slut…but it turned out that’s not really me. Basically, I’m a Dom who likes kinky play, including only light to medium pain, and I’m comfortable with it. It is who I am. As a Dom, one of my requirements is the right to punish/discipline my sub. Generally, it is not needed often; but she must consent that I have that right.

However, during negotiation with my delightful, intelligent and very self-aware new submissive babygirl (hopefully my fourth long term lifestyle relationship), she opened my eyes to subtleties that I simply had not considered. I suspect because straight D/s and DD/bg have some important differences, and I’m only recently embracing my Daddy tendencies. Below are some of my observations based on this, which means it’s something that me and my babygirl agree on for us. It may or may not suit your dynamic, but hopefully it will provide some ideas that you might find useful.

  • If you’re going to include punishment/discipline as part of her structure, rules etc., then you really need to include rewards alongside that. She needs to know that your approach is fair and balanced; and not just about punishment/discipline.
  • I have always felt that punishment needs to be setup in such a way that it is distinctly different from play, and that the methods should certainly be something she doesn’t really enjoy. I now also feel that for a babygirl, the methods used should (ideally) not risk emotional carryover into play (e.g., if you punish with a paddle, she might easily have some inner angst when you then use the same paddle for play).
  • Fortunately, my babygirl is confident from experience that she can separate fun vs. punishment with a spanking (I refuse to give up spanking for either purpose ;-)). However, we will limit other impact toy punishments to one type of toy that she doesn’t like too much (a cane <evil grin>); and that toy will never be used for play. It therefore reinforces punishment vs. play, rather than diluting it. It kind of reminds me of my old boarding school…I got punished depressingly often (usually with a tawse)…so now I have plenty of ideas!:-)
  • In my view, punishment should be administered as soon as possible after whatever triggered it. The immediacy is quite powerful in anchoring the idea of that transgression with the punishment; thus she is more likely to recall the punishment when she contemplates a repeat offense. This means the Dom has to be prepared to stop everything and make a big deal about it. Let her feel how you pay attention to her…and that her boundaries are real and will be enforced.
  • All of the above is true for non-corporal punishments/discipline, too. I like these because I can make the punishment fit the crime much more, but I now will not abuse things that I might want her to do for fun sometimes just to get a creative punishment. There’s plenty I can impose without having to risk those negative associations during fun.
  • To help manage an important part of this, the emotional impact of being punished, I require a small punishment rite that has several objectives. It very clearly delineates punishment from anything else; before the actual punishment it emphasizes her submission; it explains clearly why she’s being punished (if her Dom can’t articulate the transgression, he shouldn’t be punishing her); and it lets her know exactly what the punishment is going to be. After punishment, it requires that she sincerely apologizes for what she did wrong; and then she is fully forgiven. Once punishment is done, it’s put firmly in the past.

I think that the emotional element is really a critical factor to be aware of. A babygirl/submissive generally derives a lot of value and emotional security from serving her Daddy/Dom well; it makes her happy. In punishment, in my experience, much of what they find so painful is actually the visceral feeling that they have upset (or at least failed to please) their Daddy/Dom. That can hurt more than physical pain, and is why it is essential after punishment that full forgiveness is freely given, and they get to hear that you still love and care about them just as much (“just please don’t do X again so I don’t have to do this again”). It is also why some of the popular non-corporal punishment methods can be so effective…if it takes them an hour to write a punishment essay, the negative feelings last a lot longer before she gets forgiven…at least corporal punishment is usually instant and done with very quickly and she’s back in Daddy’s arms.

Of course, all of this fails if Daddy won’t punish His babygirl when she transgresses. That’s one reason I like a babygirl/submissive who appreciates structure and rules. If she performs badly or breaks a rule, it needs to be simple and consistent. Punishment happens. Daddies/Doms can’t lie to their babygirl/submissive, so you can’t let some mistakes pass. Not if you really want boundaries to be clear. Without structure and rules it all comes down to judgment calls; and that is much easier to let lapse into not enough (or worse, inconsistent) punishments.

For those that have an interest, the rite is given below. The exact wording used can vary, but the underlying meaning cannot:

  • Dom: Initiates by commanding “Kneel for punishment”
  • Sub: Strips naked (or as directed), and kneels into your preferred submissive position and responds: “Sir, I am sorry I did not please you, I am ready for my punishment Sir”
  • Dom: Provides explanation of the transgression requiring punishment (punishment will never be awarded without an articulable reason). Brief discussion is permitted, however, the submissive does not have to agree with the reason. The Dominants decision is final.
  • Dom: Ends discussion with: “It is time for you to accept your punishment”
  • Sub: Accepts what is going to happen with “Sir, I am ready for my punishment Sir”
  • Dom: Explains what the punishment is going to be and, if appropriate, any deadlines associated with it (corporal punishment will be immediate but other punishments may require time).
  • Sub: After satisfactory completion of punishment the sub again assumes the kneeling position and says : “Sir, I am sorry did not please you, I understand that it was to help me Sir”
  • Dom: Finishes punishment with “You are forgiven, punishment is finished”. Proper aftercare should follow the ritual.

Again, there was a variation from my previous definition based on discussion with my babygirl. She accepts my right to punish and she accepts my right to insist on using this rite. However, she did not feel she could, with sincerity, thank me for her punishment. Partly, she knew she probably couldn’t fully mean it; but also, she associated that quite strongly with an M/s dynamic…and there is no way she is a slave (nor would I want her to be). She can accept that (overall) I am trying to help her with punishment.

Basically, a DD/bg dynamic needs to recognize that babygirls are likely to be more sensitive to some emotional factors than a ‘conventional’ submissive (whatever that is).  She needs added care and attention so that she can be comfortable (or at least accepting) of your punishment rules.


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3 thoughts on “Guest Post: Reflections on Punishment in a DD/bg Relationship”

  1. Andy says:

    Excellent article and thanks to both author and yourselves for sharing.

    1. Daddy's princess says:

      You’re welcome! We hope to get more guest authors soon! xoxo

  2. Lana says:

    Omg. I loved this. The bg title fits me to a tee. Thanks for sharing

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