I have a sir but, we have the most unusual of relationships. I am his slave and he has a girlfriend. I feel I already know this, but I don’t have any real person to talk to about it. We’ve been doing this for several months now, known each other for a year and a half. When I found out he had a steady girlfriend, I backed out. And then with more conversation, I was drawn back in. He has the best of both worlds. And while I enjoy the daddy/girl play, I want more. I feel it’s unrealistic to expect it from him for various reasons (being that he is with someone else), and also that he’s said that it’s better for a guy I’m dating to see me as the person their dating first over them being my master.
Basically I should just give this up, shouldn’t I? The holidays are coming and I already feel left out. The “baby’s” and everything else just don’t cut it, but I’m not sure how to end it without sounding like a desperate person. I just want to sound like someone who isn’t getting everything I need, and that’s it.
For example, master always wants me to perform by video since he doesn’t get to see me often when he’s traveling; and outside some verbal praise, that’s it. When we are together he does give some after care… idk I’m feeling less fulfilled and more used and left feeling empty…
~ Good girl
First, I’d like to acknowledge that we may not have all of the facts yet. There’s a great deal of information here, and I’ll do my best to drill into it objectively. Second, I’d like to say how sad I am for you that you’re in this position. It’s hard to be caught in the middle; especially so close to the holidays! It sounds as though you’ve mostly made up your mind about how you feel in this relationship. The next step is action, but there are a few things to consider first.
Master/slave Agreement or Contract
I’m curious if the two of you set out to create a contract or agreement of sorts at the beginning of your relationship/engagement. Basically, this document dictates what the both of you are okay with, and what you’re both not okay with. If this hasn’t been done, it opens the door for abuse and abandonment. If one person doesn’t know a hard limit vs. a soft limit, how are they supposed to help the other?
Regardless of whether or not you stay with this person, it may be freeing to still draft an outline or a list of things that you’re okay with, and things that you’re not okay with. List the types of play and activity that you like, but also be sure to separate out things that you’re not sure if you’re entirely okay doing (soft limits), and those things that you absolutely are not okay with (hard limits). A hard limit isn’t necessarily something that is banned in the bedroom. It can also be something(s) that you are not okay with anywhere, period. Also, establish a safeword to use when roleplaying a scene so your partner knows when to stop.
Going through an exercise like this will better-prepare you for your next relationship; even if this one is destined for the curb. Additionally, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll gain insight into your likes and dislikes that you may not have known about yourself. It’s hard to see in the moment, but engaging in roleplay or a relationship like this can be a reveal a lot about your kinks and how you view your safety.
Aftercare in a Master/slave Relationship
Many of you probably already know this, but aftercare is about more than just cuddles and stuffies after play. It’s not optional; it’s necessary. Taking part in a dynamic like Master/slave or Daddy/little can be physically and psychologically taxing. It’s emotional, and both parties need to be there for the other person.
As I mentioned above, this isn’t just about cuddles or a quick praise at the end; it’s about being there for your partner however they may need you afterwards. If your partner is rushing things, or not giving you the level of care that you require (remember, it’s not optional), then perhaps it’s time to break things off and move on. It sounds like your needs aren’t being met in that department, and it’s absolutely critical that both parties are on the same page about what the other needs. Both people need to provide some level of aftercare to the other, and if it’s only going one-way, then it’s not being done correctly.
Is He Polyamorous?
This may or may not be something you know outright, but if your partner is polyamorous, he may be perfectly fine with the way things are; while you’re not. I’m not poly, but I can understand where the other person may be coming from if they are. They’re hardwired a certain way, and for them, this may seem normal to be in a relationship while finding a play partner on the side for their kinks that their other person can’t provide.
I’d also question if his other person knows about you. If they don’t, then you’re considered the “other woman”. This may be unsettling for you, but if the other person finds out…chances are they’ll hit the roof sooner than later. To be clear, polyamory is about all parties in a polyamorous relationship being aware and accepting of the other partners in the relationship. It’s not an excuse to be with another behind your other partner’s back. That’s called “cheating”.
Bottom line, the only way this works is if everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. Period.
Are you in a 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) Arrangement?
If you’re in a 24/7/365 TPE situation, you’ve essentially agreed to give that person control over you within your limits. Certainly, you can break away from this arrangement at any time. After all, you’re not really a slave; just playing/living the role of one in your particular situation. If you feel your Master is abusing you, then of course, consider your options. But in general, the Master has been gifted this role by the only person who can give it…the submissive.
It’s possible your Master has operated under the assumption that this is a TPE arrangement, and may have experience with this in the past. If it’s true, he may very well feel entitled to act a certain way, or run things in their own particular way. It may seem basic, but I think the only way to be sure of this is to have a talk with them, and discuss the issues that you both have with the current arrangement.
The critical piece here is to identify if roleplay for your situation survives and continues outside of the bedroom; or if it should end at the bedroom door. If it ends at the bedroom door, is it possible that you’re wanting more from him (perhaps in the form of a relationship) than he’s willing to give?
Fulfillment on Both Ends
We talked about aftercare above, but I wanted to reiterate about aftercare going both ways. Without it, you could (both) be in for a very bumpy ride. Subdrop is a real thing, and it doesn’t just happen to submissives. A Master/Daddy/top can experience this too, as we’re vulnerable to emotion just like our partner. Maybe something went wrong in a scene, or one person said something that reminded the other of a traumatic experience from their past. We don’t always know 100% of a person’s history, and it’s sobering to be aware of something like this.
If you’re meeting their expectations, but they’re not meeting yours; it’s time to have a real talk, or call it off. Not only is it rude and unbecoming of a person giving one’s self a title such as “Master” in a situation like this, but they’re not learning a lesson or growing from the experience. This arrangement between the two of you is one thing, but what about the next relationship the person ends up in? Understandably, you cannot control the actions of another person; especially if you’ve parted ways. But you can both responsibly grow from a parting of ways if both individuals come to the table objectively, with a willingness to learn and understand what went wrong so you can both break the cycle for the sake of your next relationship or arrangement.
It could also be that your Master is just oblivious to the situation. If you haven’t come out and instructed him that you’re uncomfortable with the way things are, that’s one thing. But we could argue that if he was truly paying you the attention you deserve as a person in that role, then he’s not doing his job (and probably shouldn’t be a top to anyone until he figures it out). It could be inexperience, and nobody’s perfect; but this sounds like a long string of things over a period of time. If the clues still aren’t being picked up on, then maybe it’s time to move on.
I would encourage you to at least be respectful about it, and have a real talk with this person. It’s a hard talk, but try to remain objective and fact-based in your talks. For all you know, he may also feel it’s time to move on. We wish you the best of luck with the talk ahead.
If anyone else has ideas or comments for Good Girl, please share in the comments!