I’m here today because I have a problem; my Daddy cheated on me. I had gone to visit my sister, but ended coming back a day early. When I got home, I saw Daddy in bed with another woman…who just happens to be his ex. Yay. It hurt so badly. I thought he loved me, as I do him; obviously not. I’m staying with a friend that knows about our lifestyle and the situation. I know that I need to officially end things, but I love him. Daddy wants me to come back, and I want to too, but this has been going on for 3 months now behind my back. When I thought he was working late nights with all of this paperwork, he really wasn’t. He said he’s sorry. I want to believe him, and I have deep feelings for him, but I don’t know what to do. Any advice? ~ Kate
Both Mine and princess’ responses are independently written, and reflect our own thoughts about the situation you’ve written to us about. We didn’t want them to seem biased, and both of us come from different backgrounds. Also…we don’t always have the same stance about everything, so it made sense to do it this way.
First, I am so sorry for your situation. Cheating in any relationship is difficult for the person being cheated on. He broke your heart, and you don’t know where to go from here.
I’ve never cheated (on anyone), so I don’t know what it’s like to have done so. But I’ll come clean with a little more about My past. Before meeting princess when I was just in a vanilla relationship, I thought My ex was cheating on Me towards the end. There were many late night study groups where I felt there could have been better boundaries set, such as allowed hours, mixture of female/male, etc. I voiced my opinions about the situation, and figured that was that.
Over a short span of time the “group” got smaller and smaller. Eventually, it was just her and this other guy. Again, I confronted her, and she responded with “it’s nothing, he’s gay”. So I took her at her word. Several weeks later she comes to Me, saying that she hasn’t been in love for ~9 years, and that she wanted a divorce. Again, I asked if it was related to the study groups, and if that guy was part of this. The truth came out that he wasn’t actually gay, and that she only said it because she didn’t want Me to worry about it.
Leading up to that talk, though, I was extremely paranoid. I was worried. I spied on her. Something just didn’t add up. I always suspected something going on, and I spent countless hours playing detective. Trying to find whatever proof I could of something going on. I wasn’t some idiot…I knew more about computers than she could ever hope to. I had access to snoop on text messages, Facebook chats, etc. The whole thing.
Truthfully, I hated that entire experience. Going through something like that when all trust fades away; you don’t know what to do with yourself, and nothing else matters. Those worries and fears consume you completely, and take over your life.
I’ll say this much. Having gone through a situation like that personally, whether actually cheated on or not, it felt like the real thing. The lies were still there. The hurt was real; no matter what anyone else tells you.
Now that you know where I’m coming from with this topic, I can address your situation. It sounds like he regrets what he’s done, but I’ve heard on more than one occasion “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” That trust that you both had has been tossed down into a deep, dark pit. The kind where it feels like nothing will ever escape it.
Your partner has cheated, and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it from happening again. It was their choice, and only they can make the choice for fidelity again in the future. Rebuilding trust is not impossible; it just takes an enormous amount of work. Further, both partners needs to be extremely committed to healing the relationship if you both want to continue it.
Especially for those of us in this lifestyle that have had past experiences shape who we are today. We come from places of hurt. Places of betrayal. Trust was already difficult to give to a new person in the first place. To have that trust betrayed and ripped away from us (stolen, really), it’s difficult to find forgiveness to be able to move on from the cheating you just experienced (regardless of whether or not you remain together). This wasn’t some stranger…it was someone from his past.
When you found each other, did you set boundaries on the relationship that defined it as monogamous? Is it possible that he feels like he’s polyamorous, and wants more than one partner…but you don’t?
If it’s the latter, and you don’t feel that way, how is the relationship supposed to continue? At that point, you both want different things out of a relationship. He’d want one thing, and you’d want another. It sounds to Me like that’s not the case, though; and that you want exclusivity. You want to be the singular little girl he gets to be with, and devote all of his time to.
Speaking of trust issues, princess and I had a rough patch where we both thought the other wanted something that we did, and for a while, we paid dearly for it. We both thought (for a time) the other was interested in a threesome, and we both fought to make it happen, and then not (out of jealousy), then did, then didn’t. It was a messed-up situation that caused us both a lot of hurt. We’ll never go there again, and we’ve healed from it.
We’ve learned more out of that experience (that didn’t happen) than anything else that’s happened in our relationship. We learned that we didn’t want (or need) anyone else involved in order to make us feel whole together. We chose each other, and now we know that we don’t need anyone else. We are enough. We are more than enough for each other.
You have a decision to make. Do you want to be with him, or not? If you do, I would look at the following things:
Communication should be open.
Healthy communication is important in any relationship (especially after trust has been broken). You should be able to talk honestly with your partner, and you should feel that your partner is being open and honest with you. If you have an argument, try to fight fair without bringing up the past.
Actually rebuild the relationship.
The old relationship, perhaps consider not saving it. It’s wounded. It’s dead. Let it die. If you truly love the person that wronged you, build something new with them by taking all the bad from the old relationship and building something better.
princess and I learned from our mistakes, and we’ve had hundreds of talks about how we can be better, learn from last mistakes, and rebuild. The foundation is our commitment to one-another. From there, we build. If we need to wipe out and exterminate the bad from time to time and hit the reset button, so be it. We who live 24/7 in these alternative, kinky relationships already have stepped outside of the world’s definition of how a relationship should work. So why not redefine how we handle the nuances of infidelity? If you trust the person enough to stay with them, then it can be rebuilt.
Focus on the future.
One of the most difficult things about rebuilding trust after someone cheats is staying in the present moment and building toward the future, rather than living in or worrying about the past. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and sad about your partner’s decision to cheat. However, if you can’t eventually let go of those feelings and work toward a more positive, open approach to the relationship, it may be a sign that this relationship is not worth staying in.
Privacy is dead (kind of).
I’ve heard it said that privacy is supposed to still be respected after cheating. That if you cannot build trust again over time, it’s your choice to trust and forgive and move on, or not…and end the relationship. I feel the opposite, though.
In fact, even without cheating, princess and I don’t have any secrets. We know each other’s passwords, we’ll sometimes grab the other’s phone to use in a pinch, etc. We tell each other everything. If we’re around other people, we consider the other by making sure they are near so we can be a team, rather than two separate people at the same party. We really don’t need privacy, because there’s nothing to hide in a truly honest relationship.
We really could write countless paragraphs/pages more on this topic, but I think you get the idea. Whether or not you’re married can have weight in which decision you lean towards. Ultimately the decision is up to you. He has said that he is sorry, and wants you to stay. But you need to look at the person that he is, and decide how much you care to continue the relationship, and whether or not it’s worth saving.
i am so extremely sorry that this is happening to you. i was up all night going over and over what i should say. What could possibly help in this situation? i am going to speak to you like you are my own sister. First off, i would say let’s fill our sippys with rum and pineapple juice and get to the real stuff. What your Daddy did is the ultimate betrayal. It cracks every foundation you have both spent time building. He is a JERK!
He broke your ability to trust Him. you will end up spending weeks, even months going over every moment of your relationship, trying to find signs that you might have missed. Wondering why you hadn’t seen them, and feeling stupid for missing them. By doing that, you will be placing partial blame on yourself. This is NOT your fault. you were not looking for signs, because you trusted Him. you believed Him when He promised you forever and always. you clung to every “you can trust me princess” he threw your way. He was your Daddy Dom. your number one job was to put all of your trust and respect in Him, and only Him.
He broke your value to Him. He promised to cherish you, and keep you safe. As His little, you were supposed to be His most prized possession. By taking another woman into His bed behind your back, it takes away all the specialness of the intimacy you gifted Him. All He saw it as was sex. A person can get sex anywhere; but to find a truly deep connection, that is much harder. A DD/lg relationship is one of the most intimate relationships out there. you shared with Him a part of yourself that few people will ever get to see, and He shoved it aside for His own sexual gratification.
He broke His promise to put your needs over His own. A proper Dom would know that without His submissive’s trust and respect, He would no longer be a Dom. A dollar is only a dollar because people choose to assign value to it. He decided that what He “wanted” was more important than what you “needed”. you needed the ability to have a safe place to be a little. you needed the ability to live life without worry, because Daddy would take care of it. you needed the ability to go away for a few days to visit family, and not even slightly worry about His faithfulness. you needed a Daddy that you could trust. His want for sex was more important to Him than your relationship together.
He broke the promise to never betray you. That if you trusted Him, you would be safe from the outside world and the monsters in the closet. He betrayed your trust by becoming the monster in your own bed, and hurting you beyond what anything or anyone else ever could have. Against all reservation and fear, you gave Him the key into your little world, and your little heart. He chose to come in and burn your safe little world down. Now, because of His selfishness, you are left with a little girl inside of you that will be afraid to ever let someone back in.
He broke the promise to have open honesty in your DD/lg relationship. He lied to your face. When someone lies, they lose their name, and their words hold no value. A Dom who lies will lose His ability to lead, and spit on any respect that had ever been placed in Him. He didn’t just lie about not liking your mom’s lasagna, He lied about who He was. He told you He could be trusted. That He could lead and take care of you. That He would do anything and everything in His power to keep you from getting hurt. That He loved you. That is a lie that can take years to fix, if ever.
i am not saying that this relationship is unsalvageable. i am not saying that He cannot change. What i am saying is that you have two choices.
you can choose to stay with your current Daddy. It will be a long and hard road. He will have to want to change. you will have to learn to trust Him and forgive Him. you will have to train your heart not to break every time you remember what He did. Hopefully with time, you will stop pacing the floor wondering where He is and what He is doing, when He is even one minute late. You will spend many sleepless nights crying and hurting from what He did. Every time He says, “I love you”, you will wonder if He said that to her. The words forever, trust, love, and respect will be like ash when He says them. With time and healing, you will learn to trust Him. you will never forget what He did, but the hurt will begin to fade. you will also have to fully forgive Him, and not throw back in His face what happened every time you are mad. If this is the road you choose, you have to remember that you alone chose it. Eyes wide open, knowing what He did and what He is capable of. This will be the hardest road. you will have no guarantee that He will never do it again. you have no guarantee that you will ever be able to move past His betrayal. This road requires hope and strength, but also the knowledge that no matter how hard you try, your relationship might not ever be able to be salvaged.
Or you can choose the easy route and walk away. Easy is not a bad choice. Easy is choosing yourself. Choose to love yourself more than Him. It might be hard at first, but over time you will learn new things about yourself and grow as a woman. you will find strength in making your own path and find wholeness. you will eventually find someone who will fight valiantly for you to trust Him. Who will value you enough to not give up fighting for you, no matter how many times you pull away in fear of being hurt. He will kiss every tear that falls from the pain of your past. He will hold you in a way that makes the world disappear, and His safety will envelope you. you will grow a deep trust between you both. He will have to prove Himself over and over that He will not hurt you, and that you can be your true self with Him. He will except your flaws and glue all the broken pieces of your heart back together with love and loyalty.
i am here to tell you that, that your Prince in shining armor is out there. i found one, and i know a lot of girls who have. you are not stuck with a man who does not deserve you. A man, who in my book, does not deserve the titles “Daddy” or “Dom”. “Coward” seems more appropriate. He is just a flawed man who isn’t ready to be a caregiver to a little/sub. He has a lot of growing and soul searching to do. He will have to earn back His respect from everyone (including Himself).
Please do not sell yourself short. you are worth fighting for. you are worthy of trust and love. you have immeasurable value. i wish you a life of happiness and joy. Daddy and i will be here for you no matter which road you choose. We are always here to answer questions or just be a listening ear.
To any of our awesome readers, if you have anything to add that might help Kate, please share in the comments. Share your stories and suggestions. Share your support. xoxo